For others who lack Coping Skills

There's this kid that stands in the train station I pass through every day on my way home, begging for money with a sign hanging off the stubs where his arms should be.

What do you do with that?

Most people just walk by, maybe throw a few dollars his way, and then let the whole business just slide out of their minds.  When I try to do that, however, I feel like I'm going to be struck by lightning for attempting to "forget" what I saw.  But at the same time, what else can I do?  I can't take him in and care for him...but then I think "Where's his family?  Why is he all alone?"  On the sign it says he's 20 years old.

How am I supposed to handle that?

I understand the irrationality of thinking Karma will strike me dead - but it's still what I think every time. In my head, since I'm able to specifically distinguish my own individual thoughts and feelings and analyze it so clearly, I feel I should be able to change it, alter it, fix it.  (My, how arrogant perspective can make us...)

Just because I can dissect it unfortunately doesn't give me the tools needed to stop the feelings.  You feel this overwhelming responsibility for things that aren't your fault.  It's like you're drowning in it.

You know you shouldn't hate yourself,
You understand the breakdown and explanation of your feelings,
but you can't stop them.

Mental fucking Purgatory.

Analysis

This thing of trying to figure out where you want your craft to go
at the same time being barraged by the society around you
not knowing what's good enough
not knowing what's just in your head
not knowing why it matters so much
- yet not being able to stop analyzing
     is it a wonder we drive ourselves crazy?
To take that first plunge - feel the drop with nothing under you
I remember now why I wanted to kill myself so long ago
releasing these thoughts, these ideas
     at the same time dancing with this word called 'faith'
trying to un-learn creative boundaries
- borders we put up ourselves -
     is it a wonder I want no one near me?
balancing remorse for realizing this late,
not knowing if you still have plenty of time
     (is this what a fear of death is?)
"I analyze every second I exist"
- and that was true 10 years ago.

It's not about wanting someone to solve this for me -
     rather, to learn how to complete it myself

meditations

it's fascinating to come back to the other side 
be able to see in - to be this honest
"Do I have a right to write this down?"
that's a thought
that's what this feels like,
do I have a right to join this community again?
this community of humanity?
it's like it's own society
I look at you people and think
"How do you do it?"
how do you make all this work, this thing called a life
     I can't comprehend it
this feels like coming home
coming full circle
and finally being welcomed
the way I've always dreamed
the guilt has been transformed into gratitude
it's the truest thing I've ever said about myself
You really did have to kick yourself in the ass this hard, didn't you?
You've always learned the hard way
it's so simple once it clicks
and that's what fascinating
that something so destructive can strive to attain that level of power
     let it go
complicated simplicity
I said it before it's time
this is how people live life
rediscovering beauty in reality
can't stop creating
can't stop believing
(there's such terror in that elation)
It's amazing that you can feel guilty for possessing the emotion of relief
there's a twisted sense of self-satisfaction in that
though we hate to admit it
You have to let it go
if you don't it will kill you
(we hide behind the mockery of cliched words to mask their relevance)
and breathe and jump and fall free
learn to live
learn to believe again
understand that coveted word called Faith
always striving
always searching
and learning to move on